The show opens and Ryan mentions that Paula is missing. Quick, someone call the liquor store! Ryan continues his intro and mentions that tomorrow American Idol will be announcing the “most groundbreaking Idol project to date.” Hmmm, what could that be? I bet it’s a children’s hospital. Now what do the gals have in store for us tonight? Let’s get this party started.
Jordin Sparks rocks out to “Heartbreaker,” and although I find it average, Paula and Randy show her love. Simon says she shrieked a bit. Jordin makes fun of Ryan’s height and he tries to act like it doesn’t bother him. But you know it does.
Chances: Pretty good. She wasn’t awesome, but there are enough baddies left that she’ll slip through.
Sabrina Sloan used to host a show called Diablo Heat in high school. I don’t even have a joke for that. She goes the R&B route and I dig her vibe. The judges thought she was decent but needed more emotion.
Chances: Again, it should be enough. She doesn’t have what it takes to win the whole deal, but she’ll stick around a few more weeks.
Antonella Barba plays the violin. Not for her performance, just in the trivia intro beforehand. She proceeds to butcher her song, but it’s still better than her past performances. Simon tells Antonella she’s gone as far as she can go and then vaguely mentions the whole sex photographs incident. Ryan and Simon again get into it; it’s starting to get ugly, folks. Ryan calls Simon “tacky” and then Randy helpfully mentions to Ryan that “it’s a singing competition.”
Chances: Pretty bad, unless America keeps forgetting that “it’s a singing competition.”
Haley Scarnata takes the stage and isn’t up to snuff. Randy says, “No pizzazz.” Paula seems unusually lucid. Simon goes for “horrible.” He also mentions he doesn’t know Haley’s name. Sadly, he’s right. When she came on, both my wife and I wondered who she was. Ryan leaps to her defense (of course) but it won’t matter.
Chances: She’s a goner.
Stephanie (Beyonce) sings a lovely ditty, and she manages to hit the notes too! What an odd concept. She knocks everything out of the park, but Randy isn’t thrilled because he likes Chaka Khan better. Paula loved it, and although Simon offers a little criticism, everyone knows the deal.
Chances: She’s in. One million percent.
Lakisha Jones hates animals! What a weird little trivia intro that is; it won’t endear her to all the folks with pets. She comes out with Whit Houston’s “I Have Nothing.” She sounds good, but it’s not a great song choice. All the judges rally to support her, though. Simon ends the judges’ love letter by even complimenting her outfit.
Chances: She’s staying around, her past performances sealed the deal long ago.
Gina Glocksen is super cute and approachable. She sings something from Evanescence, but it’s wildly out of place. She’s not bad for the genre, but Idol voters don’t seem to be of that ilk. Randy actually likes it! Wow, I’m a little shocked. Paula loved it too. I wonder if they’ve ever heard the original?
Chances: I thought she was in trouble, but the judges give her a verbal bouquet which all but assures her chances.
Melinda Doolittle is completely OCD (based on her intro) but she’s still a power-packed little keg of dynamite. She’s clearly one of the best American Idol has to offer, so it really doesn’t matter what she does tonight. She still does well, though.
Chances: If she doesn’t make it, there will be riots in the streets. And I will lead the charge.
Check back tomorrow when I’ll run down who got ousted, who should have, and whether or not more incriminating photos have been unearthed.
Laremy Legel — Mail Laremy