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What is SHE Wearing!? The Evil Beet Takes a Look at the Stars

Hour two of E!’s red carpet coverage kicks off with Jennifer Hudson, whose ensemble would be arguably appropriate had Dreamgirls been set on Mars. Since it was set in Detroit, she just looks awful. I don’t even understand what’s happening. The brown dress is poorly fitted enough as is, but she’s chosen to top it with a silver cropped jacket (and I hope she didn’t think this was a capelet) with the largest collar in the world. Ryan asks her who she’s wearing. “George Jetson,” she says. No, that didn’t happen, but it should have. Ryan actually never asks her who she’s wearing. That was a nice thing to do for the designer. I mean that.

Steve Carell with Nancy Walls (one strap, no necklace). He thinks The Departed is going to take Best Picture. Nancy pretends to look for Abigail Breslin in her purse. First genuinely funny moment of the red carpet thus far.

LEO!!! OMG OMG OMG IT’S LEO!!! Damn, he is hot. Aw, he came with his mom, since he’s single after his split from model Bar Rafaeli late last month. Leo! I AM SINGLE TOO! I HAVE CHICKEN WINGS! COME OVER! He went a little crazy with the self-tanner, as Leo is wont to do, but I can be okay with that. I LOVE YOU, LEO!!!

Ryan’s talking to Djimon Hounsou, looking very cool in dark glasses. Cut to footage of him being hot in a Janet Jackson video from a hundred years ago. He did a Paula Abdul video, too, I guess. Giuliana chimes in from the sky box to confirm that he’s wearing Calvin Klein underwear, as he’s doing a campaign for them right now. Man, they had to pull out all the stops to make that interview interesting.

I think Ryan’s supposed to be interviewing Helen Mirren right now, but she’s talking to another reporter, so we go up to Giuliana in the sky box so Ryan can berate her for talking about underwear at the Oscars. “Did you have a better question lined up, Barbara Walters?” says Giuliana, except she doesn’t say that at all. Instead we talk about “panties” for a full minute while we wait for Helen Mirren.

Helen shows up, holding a union jack. She’s wearing a flesh-colored, beaded scoop-neck. No necklace. Sexy but very age-appropriate, and she looks beautiful. She says that she thinks the queen of England has seen her film, but she’ll never know officially. Ryan asks her if she brought the flag herself, and she says she “knicked” it, which I think is British for “stole,” but I don’t have anyone to text for confirmation. Google Translate is no help. Ryan forgets to ask her what she’s wearing. He’s getting tired, I guess.

Ha! We come back from commercial to Jay Manuel freezing a shot of Jessica Biel’s face, circling it on the screen, then drawing a big line through it. “No,” he says. “This isn’t working.” Jay also says that Rachel Weisz should have ditched the necklace. I totally called that one. I should host this show.

Celine Dion. A very simple green dress. No necklace. Hair down. I dig it.

Anne Hathaway. Valentino strapless, no necklace, but she’s making up for it with about twenty bracelets. (“I decided since it’s my first Oscars, I’d just wear every single diamond I could find.”) I don’t know why I always want to hate her, but she’s kind of likable right now. Ha! Ryan turns to the sky box to talk crap about her dress with Giuliana, then realizes she’s still standing right there. Awkward. No one liked the dress. Anne Hathaway is sad now.

Forest Whitaker. I like how Ryan always starts these interviews with, “We’re live on E! right now.” It’s kind of like saying to the subjects, “Please don’t cuss or talk about the dude you saw me making out with last night.” Forest has prepared a speech for if he wins. Ryan asks him if he thinks he’ll win, and he skirts the question entirely. The interviews with boys are boring.

Gwyneth Paltrow. I think they employed the spider from Charlotte’s Web to make her dress. That or Zac Posen. It’s orangish, very thin and very complicated. It’s backless, and her stylist has clearly instructed her to keep her hair tossed over her shoulder, running down her front, to show off the back of the dress. This occupies a great deal of her time and focus.

Beyonce. I can’t tell if her dress is white or lime green (it’s Armani, and Beyonce eventually identifies it as “mint green”), but it has this strange line of pearl-like stones in floral patterns running diagonally across her chest. I commend her for taking a risk, but I don’t like it. She has such a perfect face, and this distracts from it.

Cate Blanchett. I don’t know what it is about her face, but she always looks to me like she just got done crying. Tonight is no exception. A very tight-fitting, black-and-silver Armani Prive. I never realized what a stunning hourglass figure she has. I love it because she’s not a straight line — girl’s got hips — and she’s showing it off. No necklace. She doesn’t expect to win tonight — she thinks it will go to Jennifer Hudson.

Eddie Murphy, with Tracey Edmonds. Suck on that, Scary Spice. It’s pretty crappy of him to show up here with Tracey, after just having dumped Mel B., who’s pregnant with his kid, and then going on record stating he’s not even sure it’s his. One classy move after another for Mr. Eddie “Norbit” Murphy. Tracey looks uncomfortable, like she knows how much this sucks. Also, her dress is made of giant mirrors. Ew, I’m glad when they go away.

Kate Winslet. More lime (“mint”) green, Valentino this time. One strap, no necklace. She admits smugly that she’s the most-nominated actress of her generation, which I’d typically give her crap for, but in her case it’s well deserved. Also, she corrects Ryan on his pronunciation of Ricky Gervais’s name, and I love her for that.

Queen Latifah. Very simple black dress, no necklace. It’s possible the dress is more interesting in person, but on camera it is a little too simple. Coming from me, that’s saying something. Girl’s got titties, though.

Meryl Streep wearing something she borrowed from Billy Madison‘s Miss Lippy. The devil may wear Prada, but Meryl Streep is wearing a bathrobe. With huge, awful, orange beads and gigantic metal jewelry. Ryan doesn’t ask her who she’s wearing, because he’s trying not to throw up on her.

Nicole Kidman. Bright red halter dress, which would be so perfect except for this huge looped bow sticking out from the right side of her neck. It’s like she’s in mourning over the loss of her conjoined twin. Like any minute she’ll bust out with, “If Natalie were still attached to me, poor dear, this is right where we’d put her head.”

We’re wrapping up E!’s coverage, and Ryan didn’t get to interview everyone, but they showed a few folks who deserve mention here. Reese Witherspoon looked phenomenal in Nina Ricci. She’s lost about 100 pounds since her divorce, although she didn’t need to, but she is radiant in a trailed purple strapless (no necklace), with super-long hair and bangs. Eat your heart out, Ryan Phillippe. Abigail Breslin goes fairy princess-style in an adorable pink dress with a floral top and just the right amount of makeup. She is wearing a necklace, but I’ll let that one slide, because she’s like four years old. Jada Pinkett Smith sports a fitted gold Carolina Herrera, which is a thousand percent better than that awful hot-pink thing she wore to the SAG awards.

Now, I have a feeling people are going to give Kirsten Dunst a hard time for her cap-sleeved white vintage Chanel, but I thought she looked very beautiful and old Hollywood. I would ditch the feathers at the bottom, but, beyond that, I felt it was perfect for her. Cameron Diaz‘s hair, makeup and jewelry were great, but I didn’t love the white asymmetrical Valentino on her. I guess she pulled it off as well as anyone might have, but I haven’t been enjoying her taste in dresses since her split from JT.

So, in summary, as you prepare for prom (and, really, girls, it’s February, so if you’re preparing for prom already — and I know some of you are — get the hell over it and do your math homework): dark and strapless, form-fitting, and no necklace.

This wraps up our red carpet coverage. Stay tuned for Laremy’s coverage of the Oscars, and check back tomorrow for all the dirt on the after parties!

The Evil Beet
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Celebrity gossip with an evil twist.

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