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Film.com Gives You the Oscars Play-by-Play, from Red Carpet to Night’s End

2:59:51 PM: Ok, first correction, they aren’t here. They’re in LA. Hosting the Oscars. At least Ellen is. Ryan Seacrest is now introducing the cameramen and tech crew. Sidenote: this could be a long night.

3:04:57 PM: James MvAvoy is on the red carpet speaking with RS. McAvoy was the actual lead in The Last King of Scotland, though Forest will be claiming the Oscar for lead later this evening. Lastly, McAvoy will be presenting the Sound Mixing Oscar, aka the “who are those guys?” Oscar.

3:06:40 PM: It’s the guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! I thought they had all been cast to the wind, but one survived. His name is Jay Manual and he’d like to talk to you about Ryan Seacrest’s water bottle. I am not lying.

3:08:26 PM: Michael Sheen from The Queen has a five head. For those of you new to my style, that’s a very large forehead.

3:09:01 PM: Ok, I stole that last line from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Maggie Gylenhaal is conducting a super awkward interview with Ryan. For the record, that’s his personal style!

3:10:39 PM: Little comments are streaming across the bottom, text messages from fans. It’s like Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room except there isn’t a situation and it’s not in a room.

3:21:08 PM: I’ve been counseled that if I keep up this pace my diary will be 8k words and when the people show up at 6pm I’ll be about 94 posts into it. So it’s going to get a little more sporadic until we get closer… so for the next few hours maybe only refresh every ten or so. Sorry guys, but it’s for your own good.

3:32:34 PM: What do the celebs do until the show starts? Get plastered? Do they show Moonlighting re-runs in the theatre? Sword Swallowing? They’ve got 2.5 hours left until the show starts and I’m worried about them.

3:37:54 PM: J-Hudson looks like she’s waiting for the alien invasion.

3:49:06 PM: Jodie Foster won’t be staying for the entire show. She’s got to beat traffic. See, they’re not so different from you and me.

3:54:51 PM: They won’t let Jessica Biel take her phone into the Oscars? What? Is this Russia?

3:59:36 PM: Shocker! American Idol is rooting for Jennifer Hudson!

4:07:13 PM: Leo D. brought his mom, but she doesn’t do press. I like her vibe.

4:09:26 PM: Wow, Djimon Hounsou appeared in a Paula Abdul video. It’s amazing he survived that.

4:11:44 PM: Jackie Earl Haley drove a limo and appeared in MacGyver before getting nominated in Little Children. Again, survival was not probable.

4:15:36 PM: Our first weird montage of the night! A black and white dealie that turns out to be an ad for toothpaste.

4:20:11 PM: E! is using the Glam-A-Strator. Good name for it guys, nice job marketing squad. I would have gone with the “annoyance cam.”

4:22:53 PM: Celine Dion is here! Finally, we can start The Oscars. She was in that great film…

4:24:22 PM: Anne Hathaway just ridiculed Seacrest for crying during Devil Wears Prada. Ouch, Ryan, Ouch.

4:28:46 PM: Alan Arkin HATES Ryan Seacrest.

4:31:48 PM: Paltrow on being told she’s live on the E! network. “Oh, great.” Say that with the inflection of saying “Pass the salt” and you’ll get the drift.

4:34:08 PM: So where will the shocker come this evening? Best Supporting Actor? Best Picture? One of them is out there folks, something that will make us collectively say “hmmmmm.”

4:36:32 PM: Seacrest just asked Cate Blanchett “So, you think Jennifer Hudson is a good actress?” This really happened. Oddly enough Blanchett said “Egh, she’s fair.”

4:43:45 PM: Seacrest just called Ricky Gervais “Ricky JARVASE.” Then he’d tried to play it off like Winslet was putting on an accent. Very brutal. Someone should make Ryan watch TV or Movies before handing him a pre-show host gig.

4:46:27 PM: Queen Latifah is sporting Lane Bryant this evening. No, honestly, I can’t even hate, I love me some Queen L.

4:48:15 PM: What would the fashion police do if everyone looked good? Would they transition into actual police work?

4:52:12 PM: E! is bailing. We’re headed to ABC. I think the Oscars stand a decent chance of starting soon.
5:02:06 PM: I can’t get enough of the fashion talk. It’s just my favorite thing in the world.

5:08:59 PM: For instance, Penolope is wearing Versace. How awesome is that?

5:10:32 PM: Wait, Will Smith actually learned to do a Rubik’s Cube in a minute for Pursuit of Happyness? If this is true it makes him much smarter than anyone I’ve ever interviewed in Hollywood.

5:16:47 PM: Blanchett did one scene for Babel 70 times. The obvious question: Why was it so bad then?

5:19:59 PM: The ABC gal in the purple dress is ROUGH.

5:21:16 PM: Lisa to the Ling. She needs much more in the way of screentime. Someone 86 purple dress.

5:24:02 PM: Here we go! It’s starting! I’m so excited I just passed out!

5:24:21 PM: I’m back.

5:28:38 PM: This is a good opening montage of the nominees. Hey now, someone over at Oscar is under 85!

5:31:56 PM: Peter O’Toole can just barely clap. Someone give him his damn Oscar!

5:32:58 PM: Ellen is wearing red velvet. My drapes look exactly like her.

5:34:52 PM: Ellen calls it “The Most International Oscars Ever.” While this may be true I’m pretty sure Zaire isn’t in the house. And a bunch of old Americans are taking home awards this evening. So there Ellen! Overall grade for the opener: B.

5:37:44 PM: Ellen takes a shot at Peter O’Toole. Wrong on so many levels. If he could stand he’d admonish her in the sternest of British terms.

5:43:09 PM: Art Direction: Pan’s Labyrinth. Good on ya! Fantastic Art Direction all the way around.

5:43:35 PM: Really, it was a very creepy movie. So if that’s direction, I like where their head is at.

5:45:51 PM: Every year they force some poor starlet to attend the tech awards. This year it was Maggie G. Next year it will be Dre. Everyone has to take their turn at the sad table.

5:50:02 PM: Ferrell rocks it. He rightly calls the Oscars on hating laughter.

5:50:36 PM: Jack Black! Okay, this is officially the best skit ever.

5:52:43 PM: Can we cancel the Oscars and have Ferrell, Black, and C. Reilly do a three hour show instead?

5:54:14 PM: Pan’s wins another one for Makeup.

5:54:24 PM: If you are keeping track at home no other film has won an Oscar. Not EVEN ONE.

5:55:36 PM: Ouch, they just played the Pan’s makeup crew off. Hey guys, we need to give Scorcese a 45 minute slot later.

5:56:26 PM: Little Will Smith just left Abby in the dust! Hey kid, she’s got a dress on, don’t run to the microphone!

5:57:40 PM: Animated Short goes too… The Danish Poet. I should have known, I liked it the very least of the group.

6:01:09 PM: West Bank Story wins Live Action Short and I’m totally good with that. It was a fun little romp. PS- Jack Nicholson showed up with a shaved head.

6:04:18 PM: I hate the Andy Garcia commercial. I get it, you drive a Caddy, so what?

6:05:38 PM: Also the Bank America commercial. I get it, you’re a bank. Move on.

6:08:59 PM: An orchestra of people making noises with their mouths comes on stage to illustrate how noises are made. Goodness, can the real orchestra play these people off?

6:11:16 PM: Sound Editing: Letters from Iwo Jima. Survey says: Consolation Oscar because this film will never be heard from again.

6:13:42 PM: For Sound Editing the one guy didn’t get to talk because the other guy took up all the time. So uncool, like the dude at work who punches you in the face. I hate that guy.

6:15:27 PM: Sound Mixing: Dreamgirls. Can you feel that? It’s called momentum. So actually I guess you would have heard it.

6:17:08 PM: If you win an Oscar(r) in a group make sure you get to the microphone first. Otherwise you are doomed.

6:18:17 PM: Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin! Get some of that my brothers!

6:21:14 PM: I really think Murphy got punished for Norbit. Hey fella, no more bad movies please!

6:25:26 PM: Dove commercial = rough. Stop this pain. Stop it right this instant.

6:27:17 PM: Why do they not sing the National Anthem at the Oscars? Better yet, why DO they sing the National Anthem at sporting events? It’s all very confusing.

6:29:46 PM: The Cars song is performed followed by the Melissa Etheridge one. You will never ever get this time in your life back. I pray you’re discovering cold fusion while watching.

6:39:02 PM: Ellen is doing a good job. She’s got a vanilla sense of comedy that everyone can enjoy. Even bad people.

6:40:10 PM: Winner for Animated Feature Film: Happy Feet.

6:43:35 PM: Right now some sort of montage to writing is happening. Even as a writer I find this HELLA boring. C’mon guys, you couldn’t show the glamorous side of attaining a belly?

6:48:47 PM: Adapted Screenplay: The Departed. Not shocking at all, the Marty love commences right about …. now.

6:50:06 PM: Ok, so this guy is going to get played off for sure. Slow speech, bumbling around, no point. He deserved it.

6:58:53 PM: The winner for Costume Design is: Marie Antoinette. Nice, I think that deserved it.

7:04:26 PM: Sherry Lansing wins which kills my pool. I totally had Obama.

7:10:35 PM: Pan’s wins for cinematography and all of a sudden we’ve got 3 Oscars for the little Spanish film that could.

7:12:12 PM: They are playing off everyone tonight, but they are doing it with a kinder gentler piano riff. Classy Oscar, way to change it up to not hurt feelings.

7:14:56 PM: I’m getting tuckered and I think we have a few hours left. Someone get me some red bull and a motrin.

7:17:22 PM: It’s Visual Effects time and it’s Pirates by a landslide.

7:19:14 PM: That may have been the easiest one of the evening. No one even saw Poseidon.

7:21:46 PM: Another montage, this one to foreign films. Oscar hates you. Just so you know.

7:24:23 PM: The montage is still going strong. When you scream out for mercy Oscar might listen. Until then you just keep crying.

7:25:18 PM: Best Foreign Film: The Lives of Others!

7:27:13 PM: Hey now, Pan’s couldn’t get out of the foreign category and the MO is stopped.

7:28:08 PM: The Lives of Others guy is hyperventilating. Pan’s is down!! Someone call a doctor!

7:31:00 PM: It’s Supporting Actress time. Gotta go to Hudson right? Here it comes…

7:31:51 PM: J-Hud takes it and we’re back on track. PS- She will never be heard from again.

7:33:00 PM: Unless there is another role that calls for a world class singer. But as Moulin Rouge and Chicago are out of play she’s hurting. They played her off!!! NICE.

7:36:57 PM: Just saw an ad for Dancin’ wit’ da stars! Heaven’s to Besty, it’s coming back, and clearly it’s coming back better than ever!

7:39:28 PM: The Blood of Yingzhou District wins for documentary short and I am sitting pretty in the office pool. Warm up that gift certificate guys!

7:41:32 PM: Documentary Feature is up next and you know Al Gore is taking this home… I mean, should I even wait to post it?

7:42:36 PM: Seinfeld is working it. Has he ever hosted?

7:44:28 PM: An Inconvenient Truth wins. The Earth keeps spinning.

7:44:54 PM: Oh wait! Global Warming is bad, doh, strike that Earth spinning as per normal line, nothing is normal, let’s all make a change!

7:45:28 PM: Let’s face it, the Live Diary is environmentally friendly. No paper, no CFCs, I may give myself a beer award right now.

7:47:56 PM: Oh man, they are doing another LIFETIME award!! How can this be? These awards take a lifetime. Thankfully Clint provides some entertainment by having a stroke during the speech. No wait, he only flubbed a line. Sorry, my bad there.

8:04:12 PM: Babel wins Best Score, this could be the first of many.

8:06:56 PM: They are giving Oscar (r) Prez Sid only 60 seconds this year. Clearly they read my live diary last year where I pummelled him.

8:09:04 PM: Best Screenplay is up next and I think this will be a good indicator of Best Picture chances.

8:10:39 PM: Little Miss Sunshine wins the Screenplay award and gains momentum. It is the 14th film this evening to gain momentum.

8:17:54 PM: J-Hud is in the mix singing her song for the hit movie Dreamgirls. We need Celine Dion back, stat. No, wait, Beyonce is here instead. Whew, close call.

8:18:58 PM: J-Hud is just barely staying inside that dress. Hey, does anyone know where I can buy a melon?

8:20:27 PM: So Beyonce and J-Hud have moved on to the hit song “Listen.” They are both singing to this one poor guy who clearly doesn’t listen (or get to move).

8:25:23 PM: Best Song is up, I’m guessing “Listen.”

8:25:48 PM: WOW! “I Need to Wake Up” wins and Dreamgirls loses! The “Come to My Window” chick takes it home and yet another film gets deflated. Did they split the vote? We will never know because THE ACADEMY is super secretive.

8:35:11 PM: Michael Mann’s tribute to America is actually pretty good. Let him do one montage a year from here on out. No one else though, that’s it.

8:38:55 PM: Film Editing goes to The Departed. Is this an upset? Not sure, but I kind of thought Babel had this.

8:40:32 PM: Right now five films have multiple Oscars. This is a VERY fragmented field. That’s tremendous insight from your loopy diary man.

8:41:22 PM: Death MONTAGE time!

8:42:32 PM: The problem is this montage doesn’t have everyone. What about the grips? The best boys? Craft services? The website guys?

8:48:14 PM: I’m giving Ellen a very solid grade. She’s at a B+ and if she dances out of rhythm again I’m considering an A.

8:48:56 PM: Phil Hoffman looks homeless.

8:49:18 PM: Mirren wins for The Queen. They are still announcing the noms but I wanted to break the story.

8:52:10 PM: I bet they wouldn’t play Mirren off even if she starting setting people on fire.

8:58:00 PM: Reese Witherspoon looks like she got punched in the face. Two black eyes.

9:00:19 PM: Whitaker wins and we’ve gone chalk except for Arkin. The only drama left is Best Picture.

9:01:47 PM: We’ve turned off the no rambling sign and Forest is off and running.

9:02:57 PM: I believe Forest said he is taking his Oscar to the afterlife. Just try and stop him.

9:04:06 PM: I wonder if Marty will win? Let me think there… oh, yes, he will. Why? Because it’s time to say “sorry” for the last 30 years! Our bad Marty! PS- Marty wins.

9:06:55 PM: So whoever wins Best Picture will be the big winner this evening because no one has four Oscars yet. There was no king this year, only a bunch of pretenders.

9:09:58 PM: BEST PICTURE TIME. We’ve waited four hours…

9:10:31 PM: The Departed takes it and we DO have a king. It got four big ones.. and the Best Picture. So I order Babel to go home, sans supper.

9:12:12 PM: It’s all over, I’m headed home to get on an IV. Thanks for reading party people.. it’s been good times all the way around.

Check back soon for the next installment
—————
Laremy

(Live Diary Reprinted Courtesy of RopeofSilicon.com)

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