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Britney Spears has spent much of son Jayden James’ critical first five months of life partying from one coast to the other, so it wouldn’t surprise us if she’s missed a few of his developmental milestones. Which is too bad, because right about now the under-wraps tyke is likely figuring out a concept his party-loving mom still seems to be having trouble grasping: cause and effect.

Britney’s id-driven actions, which recently included an apparent vomit and go-go dancer-crammed sojourn in New York (more on that below), continue to have consequences, ranging from a denial of swag to the loose lips of her last hookup and former assistant. Here’s the latest:

According to the New York Daily News, Spears was rebuffed last week in her attempts to score a limited-edition Puma purse created by designers Heatherette and socialite-model Lydia Hearst.

The bygone pop starlet, who left town on Monday with Jayden and Sean Preston, 1, in tow, supposedly offered to display the bag from the front row of Heatherette’s runway show, but was “politely” turned down by Hearst, ostensibly because she felt some other stars are more deserving of the desirable arm candy (Brit, whose rep denies the story, ended up skipping the event).

“I’m only giving the bag to accomplished young women who are doing something positive to affect the world around them,” Hearst explains to the paper. “They are women I look up to and respect, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker and Anne Hathaway. They share the same high standards of giving back to the communities in which they live.”

In Britney’s defense, she apparently did give back in her own special and extra chunky way while hitting the Manhattan club scene over the weekend. On Saturday night, she purportedly spewed all over the back seat of her SUV after whooping it up at nightclub Tenjune.

Meanwhile, on the following evening, as her ex Justin Timberlake and onetime pop peer Christina Aguilera were collecting accolades at the Grammys, the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Federline was collecting cooties by slipping into someone else’s bikini bottoms.

Britney turned up at hotspot One decked out in a red satin dress so tight and short it appeared to have been lifted off the back of Streetwalking Barbie, but after she got an eyeful of the fishnet-clad go-go girls at the club, she apparently decided her abbreviated frock was too darn prudish.

” … She was complaining that she didn’t like [her dress] and wanted to change,” an insider tells People. “So she called the dancers over to talk to them … because she really liked those fishnet stockings.”

Soon, “She went downstairs and tried them on, but didn’t like the way they looked with her dress,” continues the Daily News, which claims Spears was quaffing tequila shots that night. “So she took off her dress and started putting on bikinis that the dancers wear. She stripped all of her clothes off and was totally naked in the dancers’ room. She came out and got a T-shirt off of one of the waiters and danced like that till around 4 a.m.”

Not surprisingly, the titillating snaps of Britney’s wardrobe change are fueling speculation that she’s speeding headlong into train-wreck territory, with a less than chivalrous interview from her recently flung fling Isaac Cohen adding to the out-of-control chatter.

“By the time I met Britney she was burnt out,” the model-cum-wannabe actor is quoted as blabbing to Britain’s News of the World. “She knew she had been drinking and partying as a way to try to banish the bad stuff from her life. Far from the trashy drunk, I saw a very shy, sweet girl who was just desperately sad about what had happened with her marriage.”

Cohen also reveals ickily intimate details about their bedroom activities, alleging, “Once the sex stopped Britney was like a little girl lost, unable to cope. She would lie like a limp rag doll in my arms and say, ‘Why can’t everyone leave me alone?’ and, ‘What have I done to deserve this?'”

Chances are she’s going to be repeating these questions after getting a gander at the latest cover of Us Weekly, which features a photo of Timberlake and Federline warmly greeting each other at the Grammys above a headline that unkindly teases, “Justin and Kevin are caught making fun of her!”

While Britney’s exes may or may not have bonded and chuckled over her punchline status (we’re guessing they didn’t), one former insider is supposedly expressing concern over the starlet’s dizzying spiral.

Felicia Culotta, who was Spears’ assistant for nearly a decade, has reportedly issued her own letter of truth through a Britney-connected blog (via Us Weekly).

“I cherish all the incredible opportunities that came my way [through] my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heartsick by the way her life is unfolding,” Culotta is quoted as writing. “I want you to know that we (as in her family and nearest and dearest — all of whom are not on the payroll anymore!!) are doing everything in our power to get help for Britney and all in our power to not pad the bottom or move the bottom, so when she does indeed hit rock bottom, she’ll stand up and walk away from this whole fiasco a new, confident, changed, career-driven Britney like we all knew and loved.”

Fingers crossed.

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